Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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