All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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