I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
