dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
