He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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