she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
