I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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