If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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