batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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