Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
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Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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