I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
