Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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