In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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