I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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