i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
