You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
