Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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