Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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