Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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