I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
