My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
