Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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