It was confusing and full of hummus
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
