Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
