I think I am morally bankrupt
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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