i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
