My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
