pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
