Please, let me fuck your mom
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
