I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
