i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
