My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dicks are not precious.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
