You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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