I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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