her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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