The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
