anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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