Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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