I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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