So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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