if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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