I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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