I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
