how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
