I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
