I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
