I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
