i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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