he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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