My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
