I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
