Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.