this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!