at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish