the condom got lost in my hair
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
