i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
