I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and she was petting her beer can
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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