Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Duck Duck Cougar?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Vodka?
Forever.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
