Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize