I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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